Identity Crisis
As I stumbled over an article I was reading today on the internet, I remembered having a conversation with my mother few years ago.
"Mom, isn't it sad that dad and you have spent all your life making our life better? In the whole process, where did all your individuality go? Where did all the things you wanted to do in life go?"
"One of the biggest things we wanted to do in life is make your lives better. And that is exactly what we have done."
That got me thinking. Is this what a parent's life should be like? Devoting all your time, effort, love, money, care, support towards your children at any given instance since they are your utmost priority and responsibility? Somehow, that didnt convince me then and it still doesn't.
Giving birth to a life is a hugest responsibility which any individual can have in a life time. Making sure that you carry out your task without any flaws is what is expected of you. As a parent, you are the care taker of that life. But does that mean your life revolves around your child's life? I don't think so.
Relationships matter, families matter, love matters -- but personal happiness matters too! Your happiness should not be solely contingent on your children's lives. It is important for parents to make their children realise this in the early years because tomorrow these kids are going to a part of larger and more complex relationships. I believe it is important not to go through the guilt of owing it back to your parents since they have done everything for you. Gratitude towards parents should exist. However, it shouldn't be shown because of the burden of guilt we carry due to all the sacrifices our parents make during their life time.
It is perfectly possible to shower love and guidance to children and at the same time make them realise that your happiness doesn't rely on what they do. Also, living in an Indian society parents begin to expect in return from their children simply because they feel they have the right to demand for all the sacrifices they have done in the early years. And when expectaions are not met, relationships get sour.
I believe, the key to any relationship to work out is personal happiness. When you are happy with yourself and not dependent on anyone else for your joy, the relationship gets stronger and blooms to be more beautiful. There should always be a want for something and not a need for it.
Parenthood is a role... not an all-consuming identity!!
posted by Swati @ 4:32 AM
8 Comments:
very well said gal..............awesome material!!
Hey Swati....very well written. I see it among some of my friends where they are losing their identity and the only one left is being a dad or mom.
@wini: Thanks sweety!!
@aspire: I agree. The true test shall be when we become parents :)
@S_W: Thanks preeti! That's something which happens to most parents. If we don't make an effort to change it early, we get caught there.
Btw, thanks for visiting ;-)
Now thats what I call being level-headed! Awesome blog.
Great post! That's a very thin line that you are treading on... I think parents' personal happiness consciously or subconsciously lies in their children's happiness and vice versa. No matter how detachedly you'd view, the lines get blurry. To quote the popular cliche - Not black and white, but shades(no pun intended!) of grey.
Well this is quite an interesting piece u have written. It definitely is important to do things for oneself, but maybe what u r doing for ur children is what u r doing for urself too..... Lets wait till u become a mom.
@harsha: Thanks :-)
@shady: I agree to your point. As long as you derive personal happiness out of what you do, no matter what it is, life will be wonderful. But I have also seen people so lost in their world of giving their children all that they can and more that at the end of the day, they almost forget to live their own life. Not sure if I am able to put my view across to you on this or not. However, I appreciate your comment! :-)
@nitz: All that I can think of at this moment is that day in DJ when I was asked where do I see myself 10 years from now... Do I even need to say what my reply was?? ;-)
The biggest personal happiness for a woman is being a mother. So I agree to your point. All I felt was, in the whole process of being a mother, don't forget that you are also a Wife, a Daughter, a Sister and many more roles. So Parenthood is one of those roles!
A very good post on this subject...
Personally, I feel it is especially important for Indian women to have their own personal identities apart from that of a parent/wife/daughter etc.
Once the children grow up and the husband is busy as ever with work... a lady might start feeling "left out" and "lonely" in her journey... This happens if all her years have been spent only looking after the well being and happiness of her kids...
Unless such women take up other constructive activities, there is a large possibility of depression setting in. This is the case with a lot of Indian women...
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